Some Introspection On the Night Before Departure
I've had a couple of comments so far requesting a more in-depth account of my feelings regarding this trip as I prepare to head off. I'll admit that my strengths lie principally in making detailed lists, and that taking a close look at my emotional state and subsequently writing about it is daunting to say the least. But since this a travel journal, I'm willing to make an attempt at it....
Actually I very recently had a definable emotion- that being excitement- when I saw that if you type in "Southeast Asia Trip" on Yahoo Search I'm the 5th result on there. Alas, Google doesn't give me this same honor. I'm nowhere to be found on there, even if you add "2005" to the search terms. Seeing as I haven't met a person in the past two years who doesn't use Google exclusively, this is quite a letdown. The definable emotion has therefore changed as I type, to faded excitement, and perhaps slight disappointment. Oh Google algorithms, if you're out there scanning this piece of text, please, consider moving me to at least page 2....
In a way, the concept of "search" fits nicely with this post. I'll admit now that it was unintentional.
Anticipating this trip (getting down to it finally) I'm all of the obvious things- wary, anxious, obsessive (is that an emotion?), excited, exuberant- and at this point, the night before I leave, the anticipation level is high. It's always a little strange to be going from one place to another...the day or two leading up to your departure is so consumed by awareness of the impending departure that they aren't quite like real days. The one who'll be travelling in this case is caught between the place he is and the place he's going (as far as it exists in his head), and the result is a state of mind that's not fully connected with any one thing. I wonder if this is, at least partially, a response by the consciousness to the ease and speed of air travel?
This trip evolved somewhat organically, beginning when I wanted to spend some miles and fly on Cathay Pacific, then developing as I made every attempt to maximize those miles. Suddenly I had a massive trip planned, and since that time (sometime in early Autumn 2004) it's remained a concept, somewhere off in the future, requiring a good deal of planning and detail-oriented pre-conception. As such, it's remained primarily rooted in my mind as that concept, essentially not more than the string of words which I used to describe it to people. Now, suddenly, it's apparent to me that I'll really be in these places, walking through them, eating and sleeping in them, finding myself placed in solid reality at all moments, for a fairly long time. I'll be in alien realities- successive and continuously alien in different ways- for long enough that I won't have any foreseeable escape should I find them unpleasant. I'll be carrying a heavy pack, probably not washing my clothes very often, unable to speak the language, taking malaria pills, and spending money daily while worrying about not spending too much. This is all fairly standard, and nothing surprising.
What I find interesting about it though is that at the moment, sitting in the comfort of this kitchen in Japan, using wireless internet and drinking Calpis, all of these things I'm writing about sound great. I can't wait for the changing realities and the fact that every day may be unpredictable and different from anything I've done before. The potential for unpleasantness itself is even exciting, and I guess this stems from the fact that comfort and predictability can be fairly uninspiring. Of course, I'm also aware of what it's like to travel in countries like these, and I'm expecting moments of intense frustration, deep fatigue, and the depression that can result from first getting to a new place, among other things. I'm worried about all of that, and I'm worried about the logistics of the whole thing. I want everything to go as planned, and I know that it most definitely won't. At the same time, I suppose that the whole point is for things not to go as planned. I also want things to be unexpected, new, and surprising, as much as this prospect pains my more logical side. Essentially, my biggest concern right now about the trip is whether or not I'll be able to effectively manage my frustration level so that I don't have a breakdown each time I'm disappointed by how things are turning out. I have a bad temper, as some may already know (and if you don't know it's because I tend to hide it from public view when I can), and one of the biggest things I'm hoping for over the next couple of months is that I'll be able to manage it, especially considering the fact that I'm travelling with someone else, and my mood and ability to handle things will most certainly affect her whole experience, and vice versa. So if I had to name one part of myself that I want to work on during the trip, it would be this, and undoubtedly this will be the perfect time to really see if I can conquer some of my bad anger-habits.
Overall, though it's somewhat disappointing to be so obvious, I want to experience as much as possible, and steer as far away from the usual "tourist" way of doing so. I want to eat delicious food, take cool photographs and video, see tropical plants and animals, pick up words in other languages, and maintain a good balance between feeling as far from normalcy as possible and not losing my mind.
If you have any comments, feel free to post them below where it says "Comments." Just click there and it'll take you where you can then click on "Post A Comment" and type whatever you wish. I don't mind having them emailed to me, but I like the idea of reactions being there with the post.
Actually I very recently had a definable emotion- that being excitement- when I saw that if you type in "Southeast Asia Trip" on Yahoo Search I'm the 5th result on there. Alas, Google doesn't give me this same honor. I'm nowhere to be found on there, even if you add "2005" to the search terms. Seeing as I haven't met a person in the past two years who doesn't use Google exclusively, this is quite a letdown. The definable emotion has therefore changed as I type, to faded excitement, and perhaps slight disappointment. Oh Google algorithms, if you're out there scanning this piece of text, please, consider moving me to at least page 2....
In a way, the concept of "search" fits nicely with this post. I'll admit now that it was unintentional.
Anticipating this trip (getting down to it finally) I'm all of the obvious things- wary, anxious, obsessive (is that an emotion?), excited, exuberant- and at this point, the night before I leave, the anticipation level is high. It's always a little strange to be going from one place to another...the day or two leading up to your departure is so consumed by awareness of the impending departure that they aren't quite like real days. The one who'll be travelling in this case is caught between the place he is and the place he's going (as far as it exists in his head), and the result is a state of mind that's not fully connected with any one thing. I wonder if this is, at least partially, a response by the consciousness to the ease and speed of air travel?
This trip evolved somewhat organically, beginning when I wanted to spend some miles and fly on Cathay Pacific, then developing as I made every attempt to maximize those miles. Suddenly I had a massive trip planned, and since that time (sometime in early Autumn 2004) it's remained a concept, somewhere off in the future, requiring a good deal of planning and detail-oriented pre-conception. As such, it's remained primarily rooted in my mind as that concept, essentially not more than the string of words which I used to describe it to people. Now, suddenly, it's apparent to me that I'll really be in these places, walking through them, eating and sleeping in them, finding myself placed in solid reality at all moments, for a fairly long time. I'll be in alien realities- successive and continuously alien in different ways- for long enough that I won't have any foreseeable escape should I find them unpleasant. I'll be carrying a heavy pack, probably not washing my clothes very often, unable to speak the language, taking malaria pills, and spending money daily while worrying about not spending too much. This is all fairly standard, and nothing surprising.
What I find interesting about it though is that at the moment, sitting in the comfort of this kitchen in Japan, using wireless internet and drinking Calpis, all of these things I'm writing about sound great. I can't wait for the changing realities and the fact that every day may be unpredictable and different from anything I've done before. The potential for unpleasantness itself is even exciting, and I guess this stems from the fact that comfort and predictability can be fairly uninspiring. Of course, I'm also aware of what it's like to travel in countries like these, and I'm expecting moments of intense frustration, deep fatigue, and the depression that can result from first getting to a new place, among other things. I'm worried about all of that, and I'm worried about the logistics of the whole thing. I want everything to go as planned, and I know that it most definitely won't. At the same time, I suppose that the whole point is for things not to go as planned. I also want things to be unexpected, new, and surprising, as much as this prospect pains my more logical side. Essentially, my biggest concern right now about the trip is whether or not I'll be able to effectively manage my frustration level so that I don't have a breakdown each time I'm disappointed by how things are turning out. I have a bad temper, as some may already know (and if you don't know it's because I tend to hide it from public view when I can), and one of the biggest things I'm hoping for over the next couple of months is that I'll be able to manage it, especially considering the fact that I'm travelling with someone else, and my mood and ability to handle things will most certainly affect her whole experience, and vice versa. So if I had to name one part of myself that I want to work on during the trip, it would be this, and undoubtedly this will be the perfect time to really see if I can conquer some of my bad anger-habits.
Overall, though it's somewhat disappointing to be so obvious, I want to experience as much as possible, and steer as far away from the usual "tourist" way of doing so. I want to eat delicious food, take cool photographs and video, see tropical plants and animals, pick up words in other languages, and maintain a good balance between feeling as far from normalcy as possible and not losing my mind.
If you have any comments, feel free to post them below where it says "Comments." Just click there and it'll take you where you can then click on "Post A Comment" and type whatever you wish. I don't mind having them emailed to me, but I like the idea of reactions being there with the post.
posted by Gabriel Leigh at 5:16 PM
3 Comments:
Gabe, that was an absolute pleasure to read. I have some inkling of the emotions you were talking about because I did the whole backpacking-thing a couple summers ago. However I, like most people, was going through the stable not-so-wilds of Western Europe. Yours is a totally different context, with much more risk and, i believe, inherent excitement. Needless to say, I wish I could be coming along :)
However, you express those emotions very eloquently. I think you're right on in saying that the unpredictability of it will definitely give you the most real experiences, and certainly the best stories ("Hey, remember the time that Laotian warlord took us to his mountain hideaway and we had to escape by rafting through the jungle over that waterfall?"). As for the previous post, it does indeed seem very detailed and I only wonder if you're not taking (simply because I couldn't find it in my scan) any type of digital music player for those potentially long boat, train, or elephant rides. Also, I'm particularly interested to hear how the language thing works out. How you manage communication - is it easier in cities or elsewhere. And I'll definitely keep reading to find out how that calming introspection turns out. My guess is that you will probably amaze yourself and your friend in finding the new depths to which your tolerance, patience, reserves of emotion can stretch. Best of Luck on the first leg!! --Kurt Crowley
hey gabe.
my dad uses yahoo exclusively.
-b
Hi Aubrie,
I hope everything is o.k. (my bank account is now empty
Be careful and don't forget to call me when you get a chance.Beware of spiders!!!!!
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